This is where it all began, my journey to battle my demons. Well actually that's not quite true, I think the journey really began a long time ago, I just never realised then.

I have finally relaised that I am suffering from depression. It hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I know it is. I have been looking at the online tests and taking part in them and I am definitely depressed. I have had the symptoms for a long time now, about 6 months I think.

I used to be a very happy and positive person, I saw the good in nearly everything, I smiled, laughed, had get up and go in me and loved life.

Then everything changed and I became someone who wasn't me. I became constantly negetive and pessimistic, I became snappy, moody and irritable all the time, I had negetive thoughts and feelings, I had no energy, no get up and go, didn't want to do anything. I had no sex drive, was suddenly going on the defensive all the time.

As time has gone on it has just got worse and worse, I now don't know any other way, I don't know how to be happy anymore. I feel there are demons in my head telling me that this is the way I am going to be forever. My mind is telling me that this isn't me, but the demons are doing the opposite and they won't let me be me. I have days when I feel like I am in a pit, surrounded by blackness and nothing and there is no way out, no light, no life.

I have reached a point where I cannot go on like this anymore. I am still weighing up whether to go to the doctors or not. I have started taking a herbal remedy called 5-HTP. Only took my 1st tablet last night so I am going to give them a week, see how I feel and then maybe go to the doctors next week.

I have been having a weird day today, I slept better last night than I have in a long time. Over the last week or so I have been waking about 3-4 times a night and taking ages to go back to sleep, but last night I don't think I woke at all. I didn't feel to bad this morning, but in work this afternoon I had a sudden feeling of 'I need to get out of here' and I came over all anxious, nervous and fidgety. I had some water and feel a little better now though. I am going to the swimming pool tonight so I will just do some swimming then relax in the pool for a while and not do too much.

Another tablet at bedtime tonight, I hope they work. I will see how I feel tomorrow after all, tomorrow is another day.