Battling the Demons

I think I am going to have to see a doctor this week sometime, or maybe next week and tell someone how I am feeling.

I have to admit something now......I am obsessed with food, eating and diets. Food consumes my thoughts about80-90% of my day - I wake up and think about what I am going to eat, I get to work and think about the snack trolley coming round, then it's lunch, then it's dinner and this is every day. I cannot go into a bar without looking at the menu, I cannot go on a day out without thinking about when and where I am going to eat, I get an unusual amount of pleasure from going to the supermarket and looking at/being around food. I am always trying a diet, then failing and giving up.

My mind does not feel like my own. I feel consumed and swamped by food, it controls me and my daily life. I don't feel any pleasure from doing 'normal' things like being around the man I love, I can't get excited about going on holiday, having a long weekend coming up, birthdays etc, but I get so excited when I am going to eat out in a restaurant. Nothing really makes me happy anymore other than eating.

I feel sick and demented, I feel out of control (and I have big issues with control), I feel powerless and I feel insane. I am sick.

I have no idea what to do, where to turn, who to talk to. Who will listen to me, who will take me seriously, who will believe me?

I feel in a downwards spiral.

We are now 3 months into 2008 and this is how things are going so far in my 'year for a better me':

* Lost 9lb then put it on again and more, became lazy in my eating and stopped exercising.

* Regained my desire to be healthy, lost 6lb, went to the gym last night and eating much better.

* Moved back in with my boyfriend which is amazing - I feel so settled there now and love the housemates he is living with. Also got another cat which is great, a playmate for my little Smudge (just hope they get along now).

* Boyfriend and I are getting along much better than when we lived together before. We are not arguing so much, I am much happier in myself and things are good. Some things still need tweaking, but they are certainly getting there.

* Need to stop weighing myself and try and only do it once a week.

That's about it in a nutshell, most things are good, some bits need improving but I think I am getting there slowly.

Let's hope

xxxx