Battling the Demons

A Major Slip-Up....

2008-03-18T15:48:13+01:00

I think I am going to have to see a doctor this week sometime, or maybe next week and tell someone how I am feeling.

I have to admit something now......I am obsessed with food, eating and diets. Food consumes my thoughts about80-90% of my day - I wake up and think about what I am going to eat, I get to work and think about the snack trolley coming round, then it's lunch, then it's dinner and this is every day. I cannot go into a bar without looking at the menu, I cannot go on a day out without thinking about when and where I am going to eat, I get an unusual amount of pleasure from going to the supermarket and looking at/being around food. I am always trying a diet, then failing and giving up.

My mind does not feel like my own. I feel consumed and swamped by food, it controls me and my daily life. I don't feel any pleasure from doing 'normal' things like being around the man I love, I can't get excited about going on holiday, having a long weekend coming up, birthdays etc, but I get so excited when I am going to eat out in a restaurant. Nothing really makes me happy anymore other than eating.

I feel sick and demented, I feel out of control (and I have big issues with control), I feel powerless and I feel insane. I am sick.

I have no idea what to do, where to turn, who to talk to. Who will listen to me, who will take me seriously, who will believe me?

I feel in a downwards spiral.

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A New Start - Starting Well

2008-03-12T14:50:46+01:00

We are now 3 months into 2008 and this is how things are going so far in my 'year for a better me':

* Lost 9lb then put it on again and more, became lazy in my eating and stopped exercising.

* Regained my desire to be healthy, lost 6lb, went to the gym last night and eating much better.

* Moved back in with my boyfriend which is amazing - I feel so settled there now and love the housemates he is living with. Also got another cat which is great, a playmate for my little Smudge (just hope they get along now). >" class="middle" border="0">

* Boyfriend and I are getting along much better than when we lived together before. We are not arguing so much, I am much happier in myself and things are good. Some things still need tweaking, but they are certainly getting there.

* Need to stop weighing myself and try and only do it once a week.

That's about it in a nutshell, most things are good, some bits need improving but I think I am getting there slowly.

Let's hope

xxxx

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2008 - And So It Begins

2008-01-02T13:25:40+01:00

Well, 2008 is now here and the time for a life change is upon me, starting with getting this overeating under control. I am sick and tired of being controlled by food so now, I am taking control instead.

I spent so much time and energy focusing on being overweight instead of focusing on the problem - overeating and bad food choices. So, I went to Tesco's and bought an array of salad stuff, vegetables, fruit and lean meat and I have started today with avengence.

Trouble is I know I give up on things too easily, I have to realise that this is a LIFE change so I will be eating this way for life. I know though that this time I cannot give up as my weight is affecting my health to the point where walking up the stairs tires me out so this has to be forever.

Wish me luck.

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Onwards

2007-08-23T16:16:43+02:00

As I said yesterday, today is another day and I am actually having a good day so far. I don't know whether my tablets are working already so I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but I feel the most cheerful that I have felt in a long while.

I had to do an event in work today in the local park and I have been sat in the sunshine playing with and talking to children. I am always happy when I get to talk to children. I have worked with children for 9 years and I love it, they are real interesting little people and a blessing.

Today I feel like there has been a small break in the clouds, not huge, but enough to let a scraping of light through. Like I said, not getting my hopes up, but it is good that today I am having a good day.

I hope there are many good days to follow.

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The Beginning

2007-08-22T15:42:37+02:00

This is where it all began, my journey to battle my demons. Well actually that's not quite true, I think the journey really began a long time ago, I just never realised then.

I have finally relaised that I am suffering from depression. It hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I know it is. I have been looking at the online tests and taking part in them and I am definitely depressed. I have had the symptoms for a long time now, about 6 months I think.

I used to be a very happy and positive person, I saw the good in nearly everything, I smiled, laughed, had get up and go in me and loved life.

Then everything changed and I became someone who wasn't me. I became constantly negetive and pessimistic, I became snappy, moody and irritable all the time, I had negetive thoughts and feelings, I had no energy, no get up and go, didn't want to do anything. I had no sex drive, was suddenly going on the defensive all the time.

As time has gone on it has just got worse and worse, I now don't know any other way, I don't know how to be happy anymore. I feel there are demons in my head telling me that this is the way I am going to be forever. My mind is telling me that this isn't me, but the demons are doing the opposite and they won't let me be me. I have days when I feel like I am in a pit, surrounded by blackness and nothing and there is no way out, no light, no life.

I have reached a point where I cannot go on like this anymore. I am still weighing up whether to go to the doctors or not. I have started taking a herbal remedy called 5-HTP. Only took my 1st tablet last night so I am going to give them a week, see how I feel and then maybe go to the doctors next week.

I have been having a weird day today, I slept better last night than I have in a long time. Over the last week or so I have been waking about 3-4 times a night and taking ages to go back to sleep, but last night I don't think I woke at all. I didn't feel to bad this morning, but in work this afternoon I had a sudden feeling of 'I need to get out of here' and I came over all anxious, nervous and fidgety. I had some water and feel a little better now though. I am going to the swimming pool tonight so I will just do some swimming then relax in the pool for a while and not do too much.

Another tablet at bedtime tonight, I hope they work. I will see how I feel tomorrow after all, tomorrow is another day.

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